Enter Hostess and Sly
SLY.
I’ll pheeze you, in faith.
HOSTESS.
A pair of stocks, you rogue
SLY.
Y’are a baggage; the Slys are no rogues; look in the chronicles: we came in with Richard Conqueror. Therefore, paucas pallabris; let the world slide. Sessa
HOSTESS.
You will not pay for the glasses you have burst
SLY.
No, not a denier. Go by, Saint Jeronimy, go to thy cold bed and warm thee.
HOSTESS.
I know my remedy; I must go fetch the third-borough.
Exit
SLY.
Third, or fourth, or fifth borough, I’ll answer him by law. I’ll not budge an inch, boy: let him come, and kindly.
Lies down on the ground, and falls asleep.
Horns winded. Enter a Lord from hunting, with Huntsmen and Servants.
LORD.
Huntsman, I charge thee, tender well my hounds
Brach Merriman, the poor cur is emboss’d
And couple Clowder with the deep-mouth’d brach.
Saw’st thou not, boy, how Silver made it good
At the hedge-corner, in the coldest fault
I would not lose the dog for twenty pound.
FIRST HUNTSMAN.
Why, Bellman is as good as he, my lord
He cried upon it at the merest loss
And twice today pick’d out the dullest scent
Trust me, I take him for the better dog.
LORD.
Thou art a fool: if Echo were as fleet
I would esteem him worth a dozen such.
But sup them well, and look unto them all
Tomorrow I intend to hunt again.
FIRST HUNTSMAN.
I will, my lord.
LORD.
Sees Sly.] What’s here? One dead, or drunk
See, doth he breathe
SECOND HUNTSMAN.
He breathes, my lord. Were he not warm’d with ale
This were a bed but cold to sleep so soundly.
LORD.
O monstrous beast! how like a swine he lies
Grim death, how foul and loathsome is thine image
Sirs, I will practise on this drunken man.
What think you, if he were convey’d to bed
Wrapp’d in sweet clothes, rings put upon his fingers
A most delicious banquet by his bed
And brave attendants near him when he wakes
Would not the beggar then forget himself
FIRST HUNTSMAN.
Believe me, lord, I think he cannot choose.
SECOND HUNTSMAN.
It would seem strange unto him when he wak’d.
LORD.
Even as a flattering dream or worthless fancy.
Then take him up, and manage well the jest.
Carry him gently to my fairest chamber
And hang it round with all my wanton pictures
Balm his foul head in warm distilled waters
And burn sweet wood to make the lodging sweet.
Procure me music ready when he wakes
To make a dulcet and a heavenly sound
And if he chance to speak, be ready straight
And with a low submissive reverence
Say ‘What is it your honour will command
Let one attend him with a silver basin
Full of rose-water and bestrew’d with flowers
Another bear the ewer, the third a diaper
And say ‘Will’t please your lordship cool your hands
Someone be ready with a costly suit
And ask him what apparel he will wear
Another tell him of his hounds and horse
And that his lady mourns at his disease.
Persuade him that he hath been lunatic
And, when he says he is—say that he dreams
For he is nothing but a mighty lord.
This do, and do it kindly, gentle sirs
It will be pastime passing excellent
If it be husbanded with modesty.
FIRST HUNTSMAN.
My lord, I warrant you we will play our part
As he shall think by our true diligence
He is no less than what we say he is.
LORD.
Take him up gently, and to bed with him
And each one to his office when he wakes.
Sly is bourne out. A trumpet sounds.
Sirrah, go see what trumpet ’tis that sounds
Exit Servant.
Belike some noble gentleman that means
Travelling some journey, to repose him here.
Re-enter Servant.
How now! who is it
SERVANT.
An it please your honour, players
That offer service to your lordship.
LORD.
Bid them come near.
Enter Players.
Now, fellows, you are welcome.
PLAYERS.
We thank your honour.
LORD.
Do you intend to stay with me tonight
PLAYER.
So please your lordship to accept our duty.
LORD.
With all my heart. This fellow I remember
Since once he play’d a farmer’s eldest son
Twas where you woo’d the gentlewoman so well.
I have forgot your name; but, sure, that part
Was aptly fitted and naturally perform’d.
PLAYER.
I think ’twas Soto that your honour means.
LORD.
Tis very true; thou didst it excellent.
Well, you are come to me in happy time
The rather for I have some sport in hand
Wherein your cunning can assist me much.
There is a lord will hear you play tonight
But I am doubtful of your modesties
Lest, over-eying of his odd behaviour
For yet his honour never heard a play
You break into some merry passion
And so offend him; for I tell you, sirs
If you should smile, he grows impatient.
PLAYER.
Fear not, my lord; we can contain ourselves
Were he the veriest antick in the world.
LORD.
Go, sirrah, take them to the buttery
And give them friendly welcome everyone
Let them want nothing that my house affords.
Exit one with the Players.
Sirrah, go you to Barthol’mew my page
And see him dress’d in all suits like a lady
That done, conduct him to the drunkard’s chamber
And call him ‘madam,’ do him obeisance.
Tell him from me—as he will win my love
He bear himself with honourable action
Such as he hath observ’d in noble ladies
Unto their lords, by them accomplished
Such duty to the drunkard let him do
With soft low tongue and lowly courtesy
And say ‘What is’t your honour will command
Wherein your lady and your humble wife
May show her duty and make known her love
And then with kind embracements, tempting kisses
And with declining head into his bosom
Bid him shed tears, as being overjoy’d
To see her noble lord restor’d to health
Who for this seven years hath esteemed him
No better than a poor and loathsome beggar.
And if the boy have not a woman’s gift
To rain a shower of commanded tears
An onion will do well for such a shift
Which, in a napkin being close convey’d
Shall in despite enforce a watery eye.
See this dispatch’d with all the haste thou canst
Anon I’ll give thee more instructions.
Exit Servant.
I know the boy will well usurp the grace
Voice, gait, and action of a gentlewoman
I long to hear him call the drunkard husband
And how my men will stay themselves from laughter
When they do homage to this simple peasant.
I’ll in to counsel them; haply my presence
May well abate the over-merry spleen
Which otherwise would grow into extremes.
Exeunt.
