The Antidoted Fanfreluches: or, a Galimatia of extravagant Conceits found in an ancient Monument.
No sooner did the Cymbrians’ overcomer
Pass through the air to shun the dew of summer
But at his coming straight great tubs were fill’d
With pure fresh butter down in showers distill’d
Wherewith when water’d was his grandam, Hey
Aloud he cried, Fish it, sir, I pray y
Because his beard is almost all beray’d
Or, that he would hold to ‘m a scale, he pray’d.
To lick his slipper, some told was much better
Than to gain pardons, and the merit greater.
In th’ interim a crafty chuff approaches
From the depth issued, where they fish for roaches
Who said, Good sirs, some of them let us save
The eel is here, and in this hollow cave
You’ll find, if that our looks on it demur
A great waste in the bottom of his fur.
To read this chapter when he did begin
Nothing but a calf’s horns were found therein
I feel, quoth he, the mitre which doth hold
My head so chill, it makes my brains take cold.
Being with the perfume of a turnip warm’d
To stay by chimney hearths himself he arm’d
Provided that a new thill-horse they made
Of every person of a hair-brain’d head.
They talked of the bunghole of Saint Knowles
Of Gilbathar and thousand other holes
If they might be reduced t’ a scarry stuff
Such as might not be subject to the cough
Since ev’ry man unseemly did it find
To see them gaping thus at ev’ry wind
For, if perhaps they handsomely were closed
For pledges they to men might be exposed.
In this arrest by Hercules the raven
Was flayed at her (his) return from Lybia haven.
Why am not I, said Minos, there invited
Unless it be myself, not one’s omitted
And then it is their mind, I do no more
Of frogs and oysters send them any store
In case they spare my life and prove but civil
I give their sale of distaffs to the devil.
To quell him comes Q.B., who limping frets
At the safe pass of tricksy crackarets
The boulter, the grand Cyclops’ cousin, those
Did massacre, whilst each one wiped his nose
Few ingles in this fallow ground are bred
But on a tanner’s mill are winnowed.
Run thither all of you, th’ alarms sound clear
You shall have more than you had the last year.
Short while thereafter was the bird of Jove
Resolved to speak, though dismal it should prove
Yet was afraid, when he saw them in ire
They should o’erthrow quite flat down dead th’ empire.
He rather choosed the fire from heaven to steal
To boats where were red herrings put to sale
Than to be calm ‘gainst those, who strive to brave us
And to the Massorets’ fond words enslave us.
All this at last concluded gallantly
In spite of Ate and her hern-like thigh
Who, sitting, saw Penthesilea ta’en
In her old age, for a cress-selling quean.
Each one cried out, Thou filthy collier toad
Doth it become thee to be found abroad
Thou hast the Roman standard filch’d away
Which they in rags of parchment did display.
Juno was born, who, under the rainbow
Was a-bird-catching with her duck below
When her with such a grievous trick they plied
That she had almost been bethwacked by it.
The bargain was, that, of that throatful, she
Should of Proserpina have two eggs free
And if that she thereafter should be found
She to a hawthorn hill should be fast bound.
Seven months thereafter, lacking twenty-two
He, that of old did Carthage town undo
Did bravely midst them all himself advance
Requiring of them his inheritance
Although they justly made up the division
According to the shoe-welt-law’s decision
By distributing store of brews and beef
To these poor fellows that did pen the brief.
But th’ year will come, sign of a Turkish bow
Five spindles yarn’d, and three pot-bottoms too
Wherein of a discourteous king the dock
Shall pepper’d be under an hermit’s frock.
Ah! that for one she hypocrite you must
Permit so many acres to be lost
Cease, cease, this vizard may become another
Withdraw yourselves unto the serpent’s brother.
Tis in times past, that he who is shall reign
With his good friends in peace now and again.
No rash nor heady prince shall then rule crave
Each good will its arbitrement shall have
And the joy, promised of old as doom
To the heaven’s guests, shall in its beacon come.
Then shall the breeding mares, that benumb’d were
Like royal palfreys ride triumphant there.
And this continue shall from time to time
Till Mars be fetter’d for an unknown crime
Then shall one come, who others will surpass
Delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace.
Cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast
All trusty friends of mine; for he’s deceased
Who would not for a world return again
So highly shall time past be cried up then.
He who was made of wax shall lodge each member
Close by the hinges of a block of timber.
We then no more shall Master, master, whoot
The swagger, who th’ alarum bell holds out
Could one seize on the dagger which he bears
Heads would be free from tingling in the ears
To baffle the whole storehouse of abuses.
The thus farewell Apollo and the Muses.
