A violent uproar now arose in the entry, where my landlady was well
cuffing her maid both with her fist and tongue. She had indeed missed the
wench from her employment, and, after a little search, had found her on
the puppet-show stage in company with the Merry Andrew, and in a situation
not very proper to be described.
Though Grace (for that was her name) had forfeited all title to modesty;
yet had she not impudence enough to deny a fact in which she was actually
surprized; she, therefore, took another turn, and attempted to mitigate
the offence. “Why do you beat me in this manner, mistress?”
cries the wench. “If you don't like my doings, you may turn me away.
If I am a w—e” (for the other had liberally bestowed that
appellation on her), “my betters are so as well as I. What was the
fine lady in the puppet-show just now? I suppose she did not lie all night
out from her husband for nothing.”
The landlady now burst into the kitchen, and fell foul on both her husband
and the poor puppet-mover. “Here, husband,” says she, “you
see the consequence of harbouring these people in your house. If one doth
draw a little drink the more for them, one is hardly made amends for the
litter they make; and then to have one's house made a bawdy-house of by
such lousy vermin. In short, I desire you would be gone to-morrow morning;
for I will tolerate no more such doings. It is only the way to teach our
servants idleness and nonsense; for to be sure nothing better can be
learned by such idle shows as these. I remember when puppet-shows were
made of good scripture stories, as Jephthah's Rash Vow, and such good
things, and when wicked people were carried away by the devil. There was
some sense in those matters; but as the parson told us last Sunday, nobody
believes in the devil now-a-days; and here you bring about a parcel of
puppets drest up like lords and ladies, only to turn the heads of poor
country wenches; and when their heads are once turned topsy-turvy, no
wonder everything else is so.”
Virgil, I think, tells us, that when the mob are assembled in a riotous
and tumultuous manner, and all sorts of missile weapons fly about, if a
man of gravity and authority appears amongst them, the tumult is presently
appeased, and the mob, which when collected into one body, may be well
compared to an ass, erect their long ears at the grave man's discourse.
On the contrary, when a set of grave men and philosophers are disputing;
when wisdom herself may in a manner be considered as present, and
administering arguments to the disputants; should a tumult arise among the
mob, or should one scold, who is herself equal in noise to a mighty mob,
appear among the said philosophers; their disputes cease in a moment,
wisdom no longer performs her ministerial office, and the attention of
every one is immediately attracted by the scold alone.
Thus the uproar aforesaid, and the arrival of the landlady, silenced the
master of the puppet-show, and put a speedy and final end to that grave
and solemn harangue, of which we have given the reader a sufficient taste
already. Nothing indeed could have happened so very inopportune as this
accident; the most wanton malice of fortune could not have contrived such
another stratagem to confound the poor fellow, while he was so
triumphantly descanting on the good morals inculcated by his exhibitions.
His mouth was now as effectually stopt, as that of quack must be, if, in
the midst of a declamation on the great virtues of his pills and powders,
the corpse of one of his martyrs should be brought forth, and deposited
before the stage, as a testimony of his skill.
Instead, therefore, of answering my landlady, the puppet-show man ran out
to punish his Merry Andrew; and now the moon beginning to put forth her
silver light, as the poets call it (though she looked at that time more
like a piece of copper), Jones called for his reckoning, and ordered
Partridge, whom my landlady had just awaked from a profound nap, to
prepare for his journey; but Partridge, having lately carried two points,
as my reader hath seen before, was emboldened to attempt a third, which
was to prevail with Jones to take up a lodging that evening in the house
where he then was. He introduced this with an affected surprize at the
intention which Mr Jones declared of removing; and, after urging many
excellent arguments against it, he at last insisted strongly that it could
be to no manner of purpose whatever; for that, unless Jones knew which way
the lady was gone, every step he took might very possibly lead him the
farther from her; “for you find, sir,” said he, “by all
the people in the house, that she is not gone this way. How much better,
therefore, would it be to stay till the morning, when we may expect to
meet with somebody to enquire of?”
This last argument had indeed some effect on Jones, and while he was
weighing it the landlord threw all the rhetoric of which he was master
into the same scale. “Sure, sir,” said he, “your servant
gives you most excellent advice; for who would travel by night at this
time of the year?” He then began in the usual stile to trumpet forth
the excellent accommodation which his house afforded; and my landlady
likewise opened on the occasion——But, not to detain the reader
with what is common to every host and hostess, it is sufficient to tell
him Jones was at last prevailed on to stay and refresh himself with a few
hours' rest, which indeed he very much wanted; for he had hardly shut his
eyes since he had left the inn where the accident of the broken head had
happened.
As soon as Jones had taken a resolution to proceed no farther that night,
he presently retired to rest, with his two bedfellows, the pocket-book and
the muff; but Partridge, who at several times had refreshed himself with
several naps, was more inclined to eating than to sleeping, and more to
drinking than to either.
And now the storm which Grace had raised being at an end, and my landlady
being again reconciled to the puppet-man, who on his side forgave the
indecent reflections which the good woman in her passion had cast on his
performances, a face of perfect peace and tranquillity reigned in the
kitchen; where sat assembled round the fire the landlord and landlady of
the house, the master of the puppet-show, the attorney's clerk, the
exciseman, and the ingenious Mr Partridge; in which company past the
agreeable conversation which will be found in the next chapter.