Carley’s edifice of hopes, dreams, aspirations, and struggles fell in
ruins about her. It had been built upon false sands. It had no ideal for
foundation. It had to fall.
Something inevitable had forced her confession to Rust. Dissimulation had been
a habit of her mind; it was more a habit of her class than sincerity. But she
had reached a point in her mental strife where she could not stand before Rust
and let him believe she was noble and faithful when she knew she was neither.
Would not the next step in this painful metamorphosis of her character be a
fierce and passionate repudiation of herself and all she represented?
She went home and locked herself in her room, deaf to telephone and servants.
There she gave up to her shame. Scorned—despised—dismissed by that
poor crippled flame-spirited Virgil Rust! He had reverenced her, and the truth
had earned his hate. Would she ever forget his
look—incredulous—shocked—bitter—and blazing with
unutterable contempt? Carley Burch was only another Nell—a jilt—a
mocker of the manhood of soldiers! Would she ever cease to shudder at memory of
Rust’s slight movement of hand? Go! Get out of my sight! Leave me to my
agony as you left Glenn Kilbourne alone to fight his! Men such as I am do not
want the smile of your face, the touch of your hand! We gave for womanhood!
Pass on to lesser men who loved the fleshpots and who would buy your charms! So
Carley interpreted that slight gesture, and writhed in her abasement.
Rust threw a white, illuminating light upon her desertion of Glenn. She had
betrayed him. She had left him alone. Dwarfed and stunted was her narrow soul!
To a man who had given all for her she had returned nothing. Stone for bread!
Betrayal for love! Cowardice for courage!
The hours of contending passions gave birth to vague, slow-forming revolt.
She became haunted by memory pictures and sounds and smells of Oak Creek
Canyon. As from afar she saw the great sculptured rent in the earth, green and
red and brown, with its shining, flashing ribbons of waterfalls and streams.
The mighty pines stood up magnificent and stately. The walls loomed high,
shadowed under the shelves, gleaming in the sunlight, and they seemed dreaming,
waiting, watching. For what? For her return to their serene fastnesses—to
the little gray log cabin. The thought stormed Carley’s soul.
Vivid and intense shone the images before her shut eyes. She saw the winding
forest floor, green with grass and fern, colorful with flower and rock. A
thousand aisles, glades, nooks, and caverns called her to come. Nature was
every woman’s mother. The populated city was a delusion. Disease and
death and corruption stalked in the shadows of the streets. But her canyon
promised hard work, playful hours, dreaming idleness, beauty, health,
fragrance, loneliness, peace, wisdom, love, children, and long life. In the
hateful shut-in isolation of her room Carley stretched forth her arms as if to
embrace the vision. Pale close walls, gleaming placid stretches of brook,
churning amber and white rapids, mossy banks and pine-matted ledges, the towers
and turrets and ramparts where the eagles wheeled—she saw them all as
beloved images lost to her save in anguished memory.
She heard the murmur of flowing water, soft, low, now loud, and again lulling,
hollow and eager, tinkling over rocks, bellowing into the deep pools, washing
with silky seep of wind-swept waves the hanging willows. Shrill and piercing
and far-aloft pealed the scream of the eagle. And she seemed to listen to a
mocking bird while he mocked her with his melody of many birds. The bees
hummed, the wind moaned, the leaves rustled, the waterfall murmured. Then came
the sharp rare note of a canyon swift, most mysterious of birds, significant of
the heights.
A breath of fragrance seemed to blow with her shifting senses. The dry, sweet,
tangy canyon smells returned to her—of fresh-cut timber, of wood smoke,
of the cabin fire with its steaming pots, of flowers and earth, and of the wet
stones, of the redolent pines and the pungent cedars.
And suddenly, clearly, amazingly, Carley beheld in her mind’s sight the
hard features, the bold eyes, the slight smile, the coarse face of Haze Ruff.
She had forgotten him. But he now returned. And with memory of him flashed a
revelation as to his meaning in her life. He had appeared merely a clout, a
ruffian, an animal with man’s shape and intelligence. But he was the
embodiment of the raw, crude violence of the West. He was the eyes of the
natural primitive man, believing what he saw. He had seen in Carley Burch the
paraded charm, the unashamed and serene front, the woman seeking man. Haze Ruff
had been neither vile nor base nor unnatural. It had been her subjection to the
decadence of feminine dress that had been unnatural. But Ruff had found her a
lie. She invited what she did not want. And his scorn had been commensurate
with the falsehood of her. So might any man have been justified in his insult
to her, in his rejection of her. Haze Ruff had found her unfit for his idea of
dalliance. Virgil Rust had found her false to the ideals of womanhood for which
he had sacrificed all but life itself. What then had Glenn Kilbourne found her?
He possessed the greatness of noble love. He had loved her before the dark and
changeful tide of war had come between them. How had he judged her? That last
sight of him standing alone, leaning with head bowed, a solitary figure
trenchant with suggestion of tragic resignation and strength, returned to flay
Carley. He had loved, trusted, and hoped. She saw now what his hope had
been—that she would have instilled into her blood the subtle, red, and
revivifying essence of calling life in the open, the strength of the wives of
earlier years, an emanation from canyon, desert, mountain, forest, of health,
of spirit, of forward-gazing natural love, of the mysterious saving instinct he
had gotten out of the West. And she had been too little too steeped in the
indulgence of luxurious life too slight-natured and pale-blooded! And suddenly
there pierced into the black storm of Carley’s mind a blazing,
white-streaked thought—she had left Glenn to the Western girl, Flo
Hutter. Humiliated, and abased in her own sight, Carley fell prey to a fury of
jealousy.
She went back to the old life. But it was in a bitter, restless, critical
spirit, conscious of the fact that she could derive neither forgetfulness nor
pleasure from it, nor see any release from the habit of years.
One afternoon, late in the fall, she motored out to a Long Island club where
the last of the season’s golf was being enjoyed by some of her most
intimate friends. Carley did not play. Aimlessly she walked around the grounds,
finding the autumn colors subdued and drab, like her mind. The air held a
promise of early winter. She thought that she would go South before the cold
came. Always trying to escape anything rigorous, hard, painful, or
disagreeable! Later she returned to the clubhouse to find her party assembled
on an inclosed porch, chatting and partaking of refreshment. Morrison was
there. He had not taken kindly to her late habit of denying herself to him.
During a lull in the idle conversation Morrison addressed Carley pointedly.
“Well, Carley, how’s your Arizona hog-raiser?” he queried,
with a little gleam in his usually lusterless eyes.
“I have not heard lately,” she replied, coldly.
The assembled company suddenly quieted with a portent inimical to their
leisurely content of the moment. Carley felt them all looking at her, and
underneath the exterior she preserved with extreme difficulty, there burned so
fierce an anger that she seemed to have swelling veins of fire.
“Queer how Kilbourne went into raising hogs,” observed Morrison.
“Such a low-down sort of work, you know.”
“He had no choice,” replied Carley. “Glenn didn’t have
a father who made tainted millions out of the war. He had to work. And I must
differ with you about its being low-down. No honest work is that. It is
idleness that is low down.”
“But so foolish of Glenn when he might have married money,”
rejoined Morrison, sarcastcally.
“The honor of soldiers is beyond your ken, Mr. Morrison.”
He flushed darkly and bit his lip.
“You women make a man sick with this rot about soldiers,” he said,
the gleam in his eye growing ugly. “A uniform goes to a woman’s
head no matter what’s inside it. I don’t see where your vaunted
honor of soldiers comes in considering how they accepted the let-down of women
during and after the war.”
“How could you see when you stayed comfortably at home?” retorted
Carley.
“All I could see was women falling into soldiers’ arms,” he
said, sullenly.
“Certainly. Could an American girl desire any greater happiness—or
opportunity to prove her gratitude?” flashed Carley, with proud uplift of
head.
“It didn’t look like gratitude to me,” returned Morrison.
“Well, it was gratitude,” declared Carley, ringingly.
“If women of America did throw themselves at soldiers it was not owing to
the moral lapse of the day. It was woman’s instinct to save the race!
Always, in every war, women have sacrificed themselves to the future. Not vile,
but noble!... You insult both soldiers and women, Mr. Morrison. I
wonder—did any American girls throw themselves at you?”
Morrison turned a dead white, and his mouth twisted to a distorted checking of
speech, disagreeable to see.
“No, you were a slacker,” went on Carley, with scathing scorn.
“You let the other men go fight for American girls. Do you imagine one of
them will ever marry you?... All your life, Mr. Morrison, you will be a
marked man—outside the pale of friendship with real American men and the
respect of real American girls.”
Morrison leaped up, almost knocking the table over, and he glared at Carley as
he gathered up his hat and cane. She turned her back upon him. From that moment
he ceased to exist for Carley. She never spoke to him again.
Next day Carley called upon her dearest friend, whom she had not seen for some
time.
“Carley dear, you don’t look so very well,” said Eleanor,
after greetings had been exchanged.
“Oh, what does it matter how I look?” queried Carley, impatiently.
“You were so wonderful when you got home from Arizona.”
“If I was wonderful and am now commonplace you can thank your old New
York for it.”
“Carley, don’t you care for New York any more?” asked
Eleanor.
“Oh, New York is all right, I suppose. It’s I who am wrong.”
“My dear, you puzzle me these days. You’ve changed. I’m
sorry. I’m afraid you’re unhappy.”
“Me? Oh, impossible! I’m in a seventh heaven,” replied
Carley, with a hard little laugh. “What ’re you doing this
afternoon? Let’s go out—riding—or somewhere.”
“I’m expecting the dressmaker.”
“Where are you going to-night?”
“Dinner and theater. It’s a party, or I’d ask you.”
“What did you do yesterday and the day before, and the days before
that?”
Eleanor laughed indulgently, and acquainted Carley with a record of her social
wanderings during the last few days.
“The same old things—over and over again! Eleanor don’t you
get sick of it?” queried Carley.
“Oh yes, to tell the truth,” returned Eleanor, thoughtfully.
“But there’s nothing else to do.”
“Eleanor, I’m no better than you,” said Carley, with disdain.
“I’m as useless and idle. But I’m beginning to see
myself—and you—and all this rotten crowd of ours. We’re no
good. But you’re married, Eleanor. You’re settled in life. You
ought to do something. I’m single and at loose ends. Oh, I’m
in revolt!... Think, Eleanor, just think. Your husband works hard to keep you
in this expensive apartment. You have a car. He dresses you in silks and
satins. You wear diamonds. You eat your breakfast in bed. You loll around in a
pink dressing gown all morning. You dress for lunch or tea. You ride or golf or
worse than waste your time on some lounge lizard, dancing till time to come
home to dress for dinner. You let other men make love to you. Oh, don’t
get sore. You do.... And so goes the round of your life. What good on earth are
you, anyhow? You’re just a—a gratification to the senses of your
husband. And at that you don’t see much of him.”
“Carley, how you rave!” exclaimed her friend. “What has
gotten into you lately? Why, everybody tells me you’re—you’re
queer! The way you insulted Morrison—how unlike you, Carley!”
“I’m glad I found the nerve to do it. What do you think,
Eleanor?”
“Oh, I despise him. But you can’t say the things you feel.”
“You’d be bigger and truer if you did. Some day I’ll break
out and flay you and your friends alive.”
“But, Carley, you’re my friend and you’re just exactly like
we are. Or you were, quite recently.”
“Of course, I’m your friend. I’ve always loved you,
Eleanor,” went on Carley, earnestly. “I’m as deep in
this—this damned stagnant muck as you, or anyone. But I’m no longer
blind. There’s something terribly wrong with us women, and
it’s not what Morrison hinted.”
“Carley, the only thing wrong with you is that you jilted poor
Glenn—and are breaking your heart over him still.”
“Don’t—don’t!” cried Carley, shrinking.
“God knows that is true. But there’s more wrong with me than a
blighted love affair.”
“Yes, you mean the modern feminine unrest?”
“Eleanor, I positively hate that phrase ‘modern feminine
unrest!’ It smacks of ultra—ultra—Oh! I don’t know
what. That phrase ought to be translated by a Western acquaintance of
mine—one Haze Ruff. I’d not like to hurt your sensitive feelings
with what he’d say. But this unrest means speed-mad, excitement-mad,
fad-mad, dress-mad, or I should say undress-mad, culture-mad, and Heaven
only knows what else. The women of our set are idle, luxurious, selfish,
pleasure-craving, lazy, useless, work-and-children shirking, absolutely no
good.”
“Well, if we are, who’s to blame?” rejoined Eleanor,
spiritedly. “Now, Carley Burch, you listen to me. I think the
twentieth-century girl in America is the most wonderful female creation of all
the ages of the universe. I admit it. That is why we are a prey to the evils
attending greatness. Listen. Here is a crying sin—an infernal paradox.
Take this twentieth-century girl, this American girl who is the finest creation
of the ages. A young and healthy girl, the most perfect type of culture
possible to the freest and greatest city on earth—New York! She holds
absolutely an unreal, untrue position in the scheme of existence. Surrounded by
parents, relatives, friends, suitors, and instructive schools of every kind,
colleges, institutions, is she really happy, is she really living?”
“Eleanor,” interrupted Carley, earnestly, “she is
not.... And I’ve been trying to tell you why.”
“My dear, let me get a word in, will you,” complained Eleanor.
“You don’t know it all. There are as many different points of view
as there are people.... Well, if this girl happened to have a new frock, and a
new beau to show it to, she’d say, ‘I’m the happiest girl in
the world.’ But she is nothing of the kind. Only she doesn’t know
that. She approaches marriage, or, for that matter, a more matured life, having
had too much, having been too well taken care of, knowing too much. Her
masculine satellites—father, brothers, uncles, friends, lovers—all
utterly spoil her. Mind you, I mean, girls like us, of the middle
class—which is to say the largest and best class of Americans. We are
spoiled.... This girl marries. And life goes on smoothly, as if its aim was to
exclude friction and effort. Her husband makes it too easy for her. She is an
ornament, or a toy, to be kept in a luxurious cage. To soil her pretty hands
would be disgraceful! Even if she can’t afford a maid, the modern devices
of science make the care of her four-room apartment a farce. Electric
dish-washer, clothes-washer, vacuum-cleaner, and the near-by delicatessen and
the caterer simply rob a young wife of her housewifely heritage. If she has a
baby—which happens occasionally, Carley, in spite of your
assertion—it very soon goes to the kindergarten. Then what does she find
to do with hours and hours? If she is not married, what on earth can she
find to do?”
“She can work,” replied Carley, bluntly.
“Oh yes, she can, but she doesn’t,” went on Eleanor.
“You don’t work. I never did. We both hated the idea.
You’re calling spades spades, Carley, but you seem to be riding a morbid,
impractical thesis. Well, our young American girl or bride goes in for being
rushed or she goes in for fads, the ultra stuff you mentioned. New York City
gets all the great artists, lecturers, and surely the great fakirs. The New
York women support them. The men laugh, but they furnish the money. They take
the women to the theaters, but they cut out the reception to a Polish princess,
a lecture by an Indian magician and mystic, or a benefit luncheon for a Home
for Friendless Cats. The truth is most of our young girls or brides have a
wonderful enthusiasm worthy of a better cause. What is to become of their
surplus energy, the bottled-lightning spirit so characteristic of modern girls?
Where is the outlet for intense feelings? What use can they make of education
or of gifts? They just can’t, that’s all. I’m not taking into
consideration the new-woman species, the faddist or the reformer. I mean normal
girls like you and me. Just think, Carley. A girl’s every wish, every
need, is almost instantly satisfied without the slightest effort on her part to
obtain it. No struggle, let alone work! If women crave to achieve something
outside of the arts, you know, something universal and helpful which will make
men acknowledge her worth, if not the equality, where is the
opportunity?”
“Opportunities should be made,” replied Carley.
“There are a million sides to this question of the modern young
woman—the fin-de-siècle girl. I’m for her!”
“How about the extreme of style in dress for this remarkably-to-be-pitied
American girl you champion so eloquently?” queried Carley, sarcastically.
“Immoral!” exclaimed Eleanor with frank disgust.
“You admit it?”
“To my shame, I do.”
“Why do women wear extreme clothes? Why do you and I wear open-work silk
stockings, skirts to our knees, gowns without sleeves or bodices?”
“We’re slaves to fashion,” replied Eleanor,
“That’s the popular excuse.”
“Bah!” exclaimed Carley.
Eleanor laughed in spite of being half nettled. “Are you going to stop
wearing what all the other women wear—and be looked at askance? Are you
going to be dowdy and frumpy and old-fashioned?”
“No. But I’ll never wear anything again that can be called immoral.
I want to be able to say why I wear a dress. You haven’t answered
my question yet. Why do you wear what you frankly admit is disgusting?”
“I don’t know, Carley,” replied Eleanor, helplessly.
“How you harp on things! We must dress to make other women jealous and to
attract men. To be a sensation! Perhaps the word ‘immoral’ is not
what I mean. A woman will be shocking in her obsession to attract, but hardly
more than that, if she knows it.”
“Ah! So few women realize how they actually do look. Haze Ruff could tell
them.”
“Haze Ruff. Who in the world is he or she?” asked Eleanor.
“Haze Ruff is a he, all right,” replied Carley, grimly.
“Well, who is he?”
“A sheep-dipper in Arizona,” answered Carley, dreamily.
“Humph! And what can Mr. Ruff tell us?”
“He told me I looked like one of the devil’s
angels—and that I dressed to knock the daylights out of men.”
“Well, Carley Burch, if that isn’t rich!” exclaimed Eleanor,
with a peal of laughter. “I dare say you appreciate that as an original
compliment.”
“No.... I wonder what Ruff would say about jazz—I just
wonder,” murmured Carley.
“Well, I wouldn’t care what he said, and I don’t care what
you say,” returned Eleanor. “The preachers and reformers and
bishops and rabbis make me sick. They rave about jazz. Jazz—the
discordant note of our decadence! Jazz—the harmonious expression of our
musicless, mindless, soulless materialism!—The idiots! If they could be
women for a while they would realize the error of their ways. But they will
never, never abolish jazz—never, for it is the grandest, the most
wonderful, the most absolutely necessary thing for women in this terrible age
of smotheration.”
“All right, Eleanor, we understand each other, even if we do not
agree,” said Carley. “You leave the future of women to chance, to
life, to materialism, not to their own conscious efforts. I want to leave it to
free will and idealism.”
“Carley, you are getting a little beyond me,” declared Eleanor,
dubiously.
“What are you going to do? It all comes home to each individual
woman. Her attitude toward life.”
“I’ll drift along with the current, Carley, and be a good
sport,” replied Eleanor, smiling.
“You don’t care about the women and children of the future?
You’ll not deny yourself now, and think and work, and suffer a little, in
the interest of future humanity?”
“How you put things, Carley!” exclaimed Eleanor, wearily. “Of
course I care—when you make me think of such things. But what have
I to do with the lives of people in the years to come?”
“Everything. America for Americans! While you dawdle, the life blood is
being sucked out of our great nation. It is a man’s job to fight; it is a
woman’s to save.... I think you’ve made your choice, though you
don’t realize it. I’m praying to God that I’ll rise to
mine.”
Carley had a visitor one morning earlier than the usual or conventional time
for calls.
“He wouldn’t give no name,” said the maid. “He wears
soldier clothes, ma’am, and he’s pale, and walks with a
cane.”
“Tell him I’ll be right down,” replied Carley.
Her hands trembled while she hurriedly dressed. Could this caller be Virgil
Rust? She hoped so, but she doubted.
As she entered the parlor a tall young man in worn khaki rose to meet her. At
first glance she could not name him, though she recognized the pale face and
light-blue eyes, direct and steady.
“Good morning, Miss Burch,” he said. “I hope you’ll
excuse so early a call. You remember me, don’t you? I’m George
Burton, who had the bunk next to Rust’s.”
“Surely I remember you, Mr. Burton, and I’m glad to see you,”
replied Carley, shaking hands with him. “Please sit down. Your being here
must mean you’re discharged from the hospital.”
“Yes, I was discharged, all right,” he said.
“Which means you’re well again. That is fine. I’m very
glad.”
“I was put out to make room for a fellow in bad shape. I’m still
shaky and weak,” he replied. “But I’m glad to go. I’ve
pulled through pretty good, and it’ll not be long until I’m strong
again. It was the ‘flu’ that kept me down.”
“You must be careful. May I ask where you’re going and what you
expect to do?”
“Yes, that’s what I came to tell you,” he replied, frankly.
“I want you to help me a little. I’m from Illinois and my people
aren’t so badly off. But I don’t want to go back to my home town
down and out, you know. Besides, the winters are cold there. The doctor advises
me to go to a little milder climate. You see, I was gassed, and got the
‘flu’ afterward. But I know I’ll be all right if I’m
careful.... Well, I’ve always had a leaning toward agriculture, and I
want to go to Kansas. Southern Kansas. I want to travel around till I find a
place I like, and there I’ll get a job. Not too hard a job at
first—that’s why I’ll need a little money. I know what to do.
I want to lose myself in the wheat country and forget the—the war.
I’ll not be afraid of work, presently.... Now, Miss Burch, you’ve
been so kind—I’m going to ask you to lend me a little money.
I’ll pay it back. I can’t promise just when. But some day. Will
you?”
“Assuredly I will,” she replied, heartily. “I’m happy
to have the opportunity to help you. How much will you need for immediate use?
Five hundred dollars?”
“Oh no, not so much as that,” he replied. “Just railroad fare
home, and then to Kansas, and to pay board while I get well, you know, and look
around.”
“We’ll make it five hundred, anyway,” she replied, and,
rising, she went toward the library. “Excuse me a moment.” She
wrote the check and, returning, gave it to him.
“You’re very good,” he said, rather low.
“Not at all,” replied Carley. “You have no idea how much it
means to me to be permitted to help you. Before I forget, I must ask you, can
you cash that check here in New York?”
“Not unless you identify me,” he said, ruefully, “I
don’t know anyone I could ask.”
“Well, when you leave here go at once to my bank—it’s on
Thirty-fourth Street—and I’ll telephone the cashier. So
you’ll not have any difficulty. Will you leave New York at once?”
“I surely will. It’s an awful place. Two years ago when I came here
with my company I thought it was grand. But I guess I lost something over
there. ... I want to be where it’s quiet. Where I won’t see many
people.”
“I think I understand,” returned Carley. “Then I suppose
you’re in a hurry to get home? Of course you have a girl you’re
just dying to see?”
“No, I’m sorry to say I haven’t,” he replied, simply.
“I was glad I didn’t have to leave a sweetheart behind, when I went
to France. But it wouldn’t be so bad to have one to go back to
now.”
“Don’t you worry!” exclaimed Carley. “You can take your
choice presently. You have the open sesame to every real American girl’s
heart.”
“And what is that?” he asked, with a blush.
“Your service to your country,” she said, gravely.
“Well,” he said, with a singular bluntness, “considering I
didn’t get any medals or bonuses, I’d like to draw a nice
girl.”
“You will,” replied Carley, and made haste to change the subject.
“By the way, did you meet Glenn Kilbourne in France?”
“Not that I remember,” rejoined Burton, as he got up, rising rather
stiffly by aid of his cane. “I must go, Miss Burch. Really I can’t
thank you enough. And I’ll never forget it.”
“Will you write me how you are getting along?” asked Carley,
offering her hand.
“Yes.”
Carley moved with him out into the hall and to the door. There was a question
she wanted to ask, but found it strangely difficult of utterance. At the door
Burton fixed a rather penetrating gaze upon her.
“You didn’t ask me about Rust,” he said.
“No, I—I didn’t think of him—until now, in fact,”
Carley lied.
“Of course then you couldn’t have heard about him. I was
wondering.”
“I have heard nothing.”
“It was Rust who told me to come to you,” said Burton. “We
were talking one day, and he—well, he thought you were true blue. He said
he knew you’d trust me and lend me money. I couldn’t have asked you
but for him.”
“True blue! He believed that. I’m glad.... Has he spoken of me to
you since I was last at the hospital?”
“Hardly,” replied Burton, with the straight, strange glance on her
again.
Carley met this glance and suddenly a coldness seemed to envelop her. It did
not seem to come from within though her heart stopped beating. Burton had not
changed—the warmth, the gratitude still lingered about him. But the light
of his eyes! Carley had seen it in Glenn’s, in Rust’s—a
strange, questioning, far-off light, infinitely aloof and unutterably sad. Then
there came a lift of her heart that released a pang. She whispered with dread,
with a tremor, with an instinct of calamity.
“How about—Rust?”
“He’s dead.”
The winter came, with its bleak sea winds and cold rains and blizzards of snow.
Carley did not go South. She read and brooded, and gradually avoided all save
those true friends who tolerated her.
She went to the theater a good deal, showing preference for the drama of
strife, and she did not go anywhere for amusement. Distraction and amusement
seemed to be dead issues for her. But she could become absorbed in any argument
on the good or evil of the present day. Socialism reached into her mind, to be
rejected. She had never understood it clearly, but it seemed to her a state of
mind where dissatisfied men and women wanted to share what harder working or
more gifted people possessed. There were a few who had too much of the
world’s goods and many who had too little. A readjustment of such
inequality and injustice must come, but Carley did not see the remedy in
Socialism.
She devoured books on the war with a morbid curiosity and hope that she would
find some illuminating truth as to the uselessness of sacrificing young men in
the glory and prime of their lives. To her war appeared a matter of human
nature rather than politics. Hate really was an effect of war. In her judgment
future wars could be avoided only in two ways—by men becoming honest and
just or by women refusing to have children to be sacrificed. As there seemed no
indication whatever of the former, she wondered how soon all women of all races
would meet on a common height, with the mounting spirit that consumed her own
heart. Such time must come. She granted every argument for war and flung
against it one ringing passionate truth—agony of mangled soldiers and
agony of women and children. There was no justification for offensive war. It
was monstrous and hideous. If nature and evolution proved the absolute need of
strife, war, blood, and death in the progress of animal and man toward
perfection, then it would be better to abandon this Christless code and let the
race of man die out.
All through these weeks she longed for a letter from Glenn. But it did not
come. Had he finally roused to the sweetness and worth and love of the western
girl, Flo Hutter? Carley knew absolutely, through both intelligence and
intuition, that Glenn Kilbourne would never love Flo. Yet such was her
intensity and stress at times, especially in the darkness of waking hours, that
jealousy overcame her and insidiously worked its havoc. Peace and a strange
kind of joy came to her in dreams of her walks and rides and climbs in Arizona,
of the lonely canyon where it always seemed afternoon, of the tremendous
colored vastness of that Painted Desert. But she resisted these dreams now
because when she awoke from them she suffered such a yearning that it became
unbearable. Then she knew the feeling of the loneliness and solitude of the
hills. Then she knew the sweetness of the murmur of falling water, the wind in
the pines, the song of birds, the white radiance of the stars, the break of day
and its gold-flushed close. But she had not yet divined their meaning. It was
not all love for Glenn Kilbourne. Had city life palled upon her solely because
of the absence of her lover? So Carley plodded on, like one groping in the
night, fighting shadows.
One day she received a card from an old schoolmate, a girl who had married out
of Carley’s set, and had been ostracized. She was living down on Long
Island, at a little country place named Wading River. Her husband was an
electrician—something of an inventor. He worked hard. A baby boy had just
come to them. Would not Carley run down on the train to see the youngster?
That was a strong and trenchant call. Carley went. She found indeed a country
village, and on the outskirts of it a little cottage that must have been pretty
in summer, when the green was on vines and trees. Her old schoolmate was rosy,
plump, bright-eyed, and happy. She saw in Carley no change—a fact that
somehow rebounded sweetly on Carley’s consciousness. Elsie prattled of
herself and her husband and how they had worked to earn this little home, and
then the baby.
When Carley saw the adorable dark-eyed, pink-toed, curly-fisted baby she
understood Elsie’s happiness and reveled in it. When she felt the soft,
warm, living little body in her arms, against her breast, then she absorbed
some incalculable and mysterious strength. What were the trivial, sordid, and
selfish feelings that kept her in tumult compared to this welling emotion? Had
she the secret in her arms? Babies and Carley had never become closely
acquainted in those infrequent meetings that were usually the result of chance.
But Elsie’s baby nestled to her breast and cooed to her and clung to her
finger. When at length the youngster was laid in his crib it seemed to Carley
that the fragrance and the soul of him remained with her.
“A real American boy!” she murmured.
“You can just bet he is,” replied Elsie. “Carley, you ought
to see his dad.”
“I’d like to meet him,” said Carley, thoughtfully.
“Elsie, was he in the service?”
“Yes. He was on one of the navy transports that took munitions to France.
Think of me, carrying this baby, with my husband on a boat full of explosives
and with German submarines roaming the ocean! Oh, it was horrible!”
“But he came back, and now all’s well with you,” said Carley,
with a smile of earnestness. “I’m very glad, Elsie.”
“Yes—but I shudder when I think of a possible war in the future.
I’m going to raise boys, and girls, too, I hope—and the thought of
war is torturing.”
Carley found her return train somewhat late, and she took advantage of the
delay to walk out to the wooded headlands above the Sound.
It was a raw March day, with a steely sun going down in a pale-gray sky.
Patches of snow lingered in sheltered brushy places. This bit of woodland had a
floor of soft sand that dragged at Carley’s feet. There were sere and
brown leaves still fluttering on the scrub-oaks. At length Carley came out on
the edge of the bluff with the gray expanse of sea beneath her, and a long
wandering shore line, ragged with wreckage or driftwood. The surge of water
rolled in—a long, low, white, creeping line that softly roared on the
beach and dragged the pebbles gratingly back. There was neither boat nor living
creature in sight.
Carley felt the scene ease a clutching hand within her breast. Here was
loneliness and solitude vastly different from that of Oak Creek Canyon, yet it
held the same intangible power to soothe. The swish of the surf, the moan of
the wind in the evergreens, were voices that called to her. How many more miles
of lonely land than peopled cities! Then the sea—how vast! And over that
the illimitable and infinite sky, and beyond, the endless realms of space. It
helped her somehow to see and hear and feel the eternal presence of nature. In
communion with nature the significance of life might be realized. She
remembered Glenn quoting: “The world is too much with us. ... Getting and
spending, we lay waste our powers.” What were our powers? What did God
intend men to do with hands and bodies and gifts and souls? She gazed back over
the bleak land and then out across the broad sea. Only a millionth part of the
surface of the unsubmerged earth knew the populous abodes of man. And the
lonely sea, inhospitable to stable homes of men, was thrice the area of the
land. Were men intended, then, to congregate in few places, to squabble and to
bicker and breed the discontents that led to injustice, hatred, and war? What a
mystery it all was! But Nature was neither false nor little, however cruel she
might be.
Once again Carley fell under the fury of her ordeal. Wavering now, restless and
sleepless, given to violent starts and slow spells of apathy, she was wearing
to defeat.
That spring day, one year from the day she had left New York for Arizona, she
wished to spend alone. But her thoughts grew unbearable. She summed up the
endless year. Could she live another like it? Something must break within her.
She went out. The air was warm and balmy, carrying that subtle current which
caused the mild madness of spring fever. In the Park the greening of the grass,
the opening of buds, the singing of birds, the gladness of children, the light
on the water, the warm sun—all seemed to reproach her. Carley fled from
the Park to the home of Beatrice Lovell; and there, unhappily, she encountered
those of her acquaintance with whom she had least patience. They forced her to
think too keenly of herself. They appeared carefree while she was miserable.
Over teacups there were waging gossip and argument and criticism. When Carley
entered with Beatrice there was a sudden hush and then a murmur.
“Hello, Carley! Now say it to our faces,” called out Geralda
Conners, a fair, handsome young woman of thirty, exquisitely gowned in the
latest mode, and whose brilliantly tinted complexion was not the natural one of
health.
“Say what, Geralda?” asked Carley. “I certainly would not say
anything behind your backs that I wouldn’t repeat here.”
“Eleanor has been telling us how you simply burned us up.”
“We did have an argument. And I’m not sure I said all I wanted
to.”
“Say the rest here,” drawled a lazy, mellow voice. “For
Heaven’s sake, stir us up. If I could get a kick out of anything
I’d bless it.”
“Carley, go on the stage,” advised another. “You’ve got
Elsie Ferguson tied to the mast for looks. And lately you’re surely
tragic enough.”
“I wish you’d go somewhere far off!” observed a third.
“My husband is dippy about you.”
“Girls, do you know that you actually have not one sensible idea in your
heads?” retorted Carley.
“Sensible? I should hope not. Who wants to be sensible?”
Geralda battered her teacup on a saucer. “Listen,” she called.
“I wasn’t kidding Carley. I am good and sore. She goes around
knocking everybody and saying New York backs Sodom off the boards. I want her
to come out with it right here.”
“I dare say I’ve talked too much,” returned Carley.
“It’s been a rather hard winter on me. Perhaps, indeed, I’ve
tried the patience of my friends.”
“See here, Carley,” said Geralda, deliberately, “just because
you’ve had life turn to bitter ashes in your mouth you’ve no right
to poison it for us. We all find it pretty sweet. You’re an
unsatisfied woman and if you don’t marry somebody you’ll end
by being a reformer or fanatic.”
“I’d rather end that way than rot in a shell,” retorted
Carley.
“I declare, you make me see red, Carley,” flashed Geralda, angrily.
“No wonder Morrison roasts you to everybody. He says Glenn Kilbourne
threw you down for some Western girl. If that’s true it’s pretty
small of you to vent your spleen on us.”
Carley felt the gathering of a mighty resistless force, But Geralda Conners was
nothing to her except the target for a thunderbolt.
“I have no spleen,” she replied, with a dignity of passion.
“I have only pity. I was as blind as you. If heartbreak tore the scales
from my eyes, perhaps that is well for me. For I see something terribly wrong
in myself, in you, in all of us, in the life of today.”
“You keep your pity to yourself. You need it,” answered Geralda,
with heat. “There’s nothing wrong with me or my friends or life in
good old New York.”
“Nothing wrong!” cried Carley. “Listen. Nothing wrong in you
or life today—nothing for you women to make right? You are blind as
bats—as dead to living truth as if you were buried. Nothing wrong when
thousands of crippled soldiers have no homes—no money—no
friends—no work—in many cases no food or bed?... Splendid young men
who went away in their prime to fight for you and came back ruined,
suffering! Nothing wrong when sane women with the vote might rid politics of
partisanship, greed, crookedness? Nothing wrong when prohibition is mocked by
women—when the greatest boon ever granted this country is derided and
beaten down and cheated? Nothing wrong when there are half a million defective
children in this city? Nothing wrong when there are not enough schools and
teachers to educate our boys and girls, when those teachers are shamefully
underpaid? Nothing wrong when the mothers of this great country let their
youngsters go to the dark motion picture halls and night after night in
thousands of towns over all this broad land see pictures that the juvenile
court and the educators and keepers of reform schools say make burglars,
crooks, and murderers of our boys and vampires of our girls? Nothing wrong when
these young adolescent girls ape you and wear stockings rolled under
their knees below their skirts and use a lip stick and paint their faces and
darken their eyes and pluck their eyebrows and absolutely do not know what
shame is? Nothing wrong when you may find in any city women standing at street
corners distributing booklets on birth control? Nothing wrong when great
magazines print no page or picture without its sex appeal? Nothing wrong when
the automobile, so convenient for the innocent little run out of town, presents
the greatest evil that ever menaced American girls! Nothing wrong when money is
god—when luxury, pleasure, excitement, speed are the striven for? Nothing
wrong when some of your husbands spend more of their time with other women than
with you? Nothing wrong with jazz—where the lights go out in the dance
hall and the dancers jiggle and toddle and wiggle in a frenzy? Nothing wrong in
a country where the greatest college cannot report birth of one child to each
graduate in ten years? Nothing wrong with race suicide and the incoming horde
of foreigners?... Nothing wrong with you women who cannot or will not stand
childbirth? Nothing wrong with most of you, when if you did have a
child, you could not nurse it?... Oh, my God, there’s nothing wrong with
America except that she staggers under a Titanic burden that only mothers of
sons can remove!... You doll women, you parasites, you toys of men, you
silken-wrapped geisha girls, you painted, idle, purring cats, you parody of the
females of your species—find brains enough if you can to see the doom
hanging over you and revolt before it is too late!”
